I could hear it. During the night I heard cries. Long, mellow whines. I slept.
The next day a stray cat was in our yard. It happened before. I live in the country. These things are expected.
The command from dad was to never feed stray cats. They stick around. They piss around the door.
This cat needed more than a meal. Its back was broken. Maybe just both of its hind legs.
I approached. Twenty-two in hand. Steady aim. One shot. Just in case, a second shot.
Does that sound manly?
I was told it’s the type of thing a man would do. I think it sounds more masculine when written in staccato statements. It all happened, but the detachment is contrived.
I grew up playing with BB guns. Thankfully, I never shot my eye out. I had a couple action figures, but I didn’t use them like other boys. There were no hold them in your hands imaginary battles going on. They were in the yard and I was the sniper. By the way, how many times and how quickly you can pump a BB gun is an official test of strength.
Regardless of my BB gun toting childhood and country euthanization process, I am not particularly concerned about fitting an established gender role. There are things I do which my friends see as feminine. Believe me, I hear about it. In my mind, it’s nothing major. If the things I want happen to be feminine, so be it. Colorful v-necks drew some attention. Women’s sunglasses (you couldn’t tell, they were generic wayfarers) made for a good laugh when I told my friends. Cologne from Bath and Body Works…smells better than it sounds.
How I arrived at this conclusion could be a slight embarrassment in its own right. I was getting face wash, which isn’t so embarrassing. However, I was at a Clinique counter, ugh. I could get “scruffing lotion” for men in a small, blue bottle for the same price as “clarifying lotion” for women in a bigger, pink bottle. The gender stereotyping was over the top. Scruffing? Really? Is that supposed to make me believe my scraggly facial hair is going to become celebrity man scruff? And of course, it was blue. They were the same product, only different in name and color. Blue and scruffing; pink and clarifying? I went with the pink.
I have also bought clothes at the men’s version of Forever 21. Yup. You may not have known there is such a thing. Even my then girlfriend who’d been with me at the Clinique experience thought I was pushing metro boundaries. What does it really matter? Some people act as if I am a fitted shirt away from being gay. I am not the poster-child for universal acceptance, but dear lord, the assumptions and homophobia of many people are often astonishing.
For anyone who needs to be reassured, here is the generally manly stuff: I eat absurd amounts of food, I find beer irresistible, I change my own brakes and oil, I will play any sport and the stereotypes could continue. Also, as a kid, Topanga from Boy Meets World was a babe. Maybe a babe and a half. I can still remember my parents ragging on me about her.
To me, the cultural connotations of manliness are ignorance, arrogant certainty in a narrow set of beliefs, brute ability, womanizing and detachment. Being told I am manly is not a compliment. I would prefer that people use a description that has a clear meaning. However, I will sarcastically call things manly because it is absurd. I am a man and I do things, but there are a lot of other adverbs and adjectives out there; use them.
